Going into Monday like
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
This guy gets it.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls