Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon