We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I needed a laugh this morning.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’