YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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