Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.