A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.