the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Favourite diary entry ever
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.