Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.