Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.