FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments