Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
how to have an accident 101
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.