“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”