Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS