My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils