When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
for all #parents out there
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.