Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”