[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
#CoronaOutbreak
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk