The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.