Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Remember folks 😂
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Penguins walking in 5x speed
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.