I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
But is it really??
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
when there are deer in the woods
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.