Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.