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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.