Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
i baked you a cake
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!