[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.