guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that