To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You Might Also Like
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My kitchen overserved me.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
one last job
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic