I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
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*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Overindulged this afternoon.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.