OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”