fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means