Fidel Castro was alive?
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts