I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Am I having a stroke?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out