Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’ll be mad as hell!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.