Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.