Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
lmfao
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur