4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Writing, She Murdered.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
This is a true ally.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.