I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.