Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
You Might Also Like
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Netflix and awkward silence?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.