*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
❤️🦆
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Webb. James Webb.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.