I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it