Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”