EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
the dark web is just a goth google.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.