me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too