If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You Might Also Like
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I think this cat is broken
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔