If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Every work meeting this week
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours