When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.