Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Woke up against my better judgment again
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”