For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?