Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
You Might Also Like
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”