[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You Might Also Like
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”