[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.